Cruising for Friends
Here's to weak ties!
Earlier this spring, I had a few days on my own in Savannah, Georgia. It was my first trip post-pandemic that wasn’t about visiting family or traveling with my partner. I was giddy with the excitement of being in new spaces, wandering streets, trying new restaurants, and talking to strangers. The limited social circle of pandemic times and my super-extroversion (inherited from my dad) had me craving those “let’s see what we have in common” trading stories conversations. I even talked to the person on the plane for almost the whole hour-long flight!
After high school, I went to a big university, where some of my classes had hundreds of students in a lecture hall. Always on the lookout for friends and study buddies, I developed the habit of sitting in the second seat from the end of the row. By leaving the aisle seat empty, I was much more likely to get someone to sit next to me, who I could then chat with and possibly share notes. If I sat in the third seat in, then someone would still take the end seat, leaving a space in between.
The same social psychology also transfers to sitting in bars. If I sit at the end of the bar, someone will usually opt to skip a chair and sit in the third from the end. But if I take the second to the end, someone will feel freer to take the seat right next to me. Sitting at the bar at a restaurant in Savannah, I met Ryan, a local who was smiling after a good day at work. When he left, Beth from Chicago sat next to me, and we talked about our nieces and what it’s like to live in New Haven.
Weak Ties That Bind
The pandemic was tough on many friendships, particularly those “weak tie” friendships. I’ve been fascinated by this classification of friends, which are not deeper-friends-in-the-making, but rather low-stakes, casual acquaintance-friends, who you might not know well but who recognize you.
The emphasis should be on the “ties” part of the phrase “weak ties” because these people can add to our emotional well-being and sense of belonging. A few days after meeting Ryan at the restaurant in Savannah, I got coffee from the café where he worked. When he saw me, he smiled and called out, “it’s Tanya from Toronto!” Instantly, I was seen and belonged.
Weak tie friendships might also be ongoing connections, like the other parents at your kid’s school or the people you see in the same gym class every week. Parent-teacher associations or local volunteer opportunities can allow us to create valuable mini-networks, which, when put together, give us a fuller, multidimensional sense of self. They can also just be a lot of fun.
Platonic Flirting
I’m struck by how similar cruising for friends or seeking out those weak ties is to flirting. An interview with Jayda Shuavarnnasri on NPR’s Life Kit podcast suggested thinking about flirting as “creating a mutually designed experience that is pleasant for both of us” rather than a means to an end (getting a phone number, meeting a life partner, etc.). In other words, let’s just have five minutes of enjoyable conversation together. Which was exactly my goal when cruising for friends in Savannah.
With the high stakes of flirting removed, starting a conversation with a stranger, or inviting them to start one with you is pretty simple. Besides leaving a seat available next to me, I also use open body language, leave my phone in my bag, and put on a happy, genuine smile.
Since listening to that podcast episode, I’ve marveled at the power of starting with a super low-stakes question. Don’t conflate an opening question with dreaded “small talk;” think about it more as a friendly opener. As cheesy as it sounds, “so, do you come here often?” can lead to some interesting and fun conversation. Asking what people are eating or drinking or if they have recommendations are other easy ways to start.
Here’s To The Random Girl
On my last night in Savannah, I went to a dive bar bingo night at Moodright’s, which had been suggested by my server at The Gray when I asked for cool places in the city. The bar was super crowded, and after I got a drink, I didn’t have a good place to sit or even stand. I stood awkwardly, trying to hold my drink, bingo card, and my jacket. Let me tell you, it took courage and lots of positive self-talk to stay. After a few minutes, one of the gals near me turned around and said, “I think there’s space here if you want to stand with us.”
It’s hard to overstate the relief and gratitude I felt for her small act of kindness. We started with the low-stakes questions about where we were from and how they knew each other while watching our bingo boards. By the end of the night, after one of the group got bingo, and we all took a shot of tequila, they toasted to me, the random girl of the night, and we laughed and hugged when I said goodbye.
The next morning, I flew home to Toronto, filled to the brim with casual interactions, pleased with my time of solo travel, and ready for the deeper connection I have with my partner and close friends. Making time and space for these moments of positive interaction with people – cruising for friends for the night – is part of seeking out delight and connection in my life.
When have you had a fun interaction with strangers? Who is a favourite weak tie connection in your life? How do you strike a conversation with someone new?
Friendship Pro-Tip
Don’t get bogged down on a small talk question if you don’t want to answer; redirect it! I have several friends for whom “where are you from” and “what do you do for work” are complicated and soul-searching questions. If that’s the case for you, feel free to act like a politician and answer the question you wish they’d asked. Something like this: “How’s work going?” “I’m so tired of talking about work, but let me tell you about this awesome book I’m reading.” Or, “what kind of art do you do?” “This week, I’m working on a photography project,” or, “let me tell you about this cool exhibit I heard about…”
Yay Friends Moment of the Month
Finally going through the shoebox of photos and finding old, non-digital pictures of me with my friends from high school.
Even introverts use these tricks to cruise for friends! Last week in Yosemite I chose to camp with six other strangers. One man, Victor, wanted to know if he had to accept my offer of crackers and hummus or be thought of as impolite if he said no. I love the fact that he wanted to follow protocol and so asked exactly what was the correct response in this situation. All of us had weak ties of friendship by the end of the week together, and we had such a good time!
Love your writing and accessible, life-affirming content. 😀❤️