How do you like your coffee?

Markers of a deepening friendship

If you’re like me and moved around a lot in your 20s, you probably also had the experience of needing to make new friends often. Each time I packed up and left one place (and one set of friends) and landed in another place, I’d begin again on the process of forming bonds with people who would become my friends.

Even being a huge extrovert and a Capricorn who loves to organize things, it still took me a long time to (a) find the people who were my people and (b) spend the time and energy to get to know them. In some ways, it’s a process that can’t be rushed - there seems to be a certain number of hours you need to put in - but I’ve also found that it’s possible to intentionally move the process along.

With cream and sugar?

Hannah and Lala are still relatively new friends (we met in 2018), and most of our connection time has been on the phone, calling from three different countries. In one voice note, Hannah commented that her (platonic) love language was when people remembered that she was celiac and provided gluten-free brownies at a meeting. This remembering was a way of showing that they knew her. Lala suggested that we each share how we like our morning beverages as another way of knowing each other.

There does seem to be something special and intimate about knowing how someone likes their coffee. It calls to mind mornings together - at home or in a break room. And that way of showing you care by bringing a cuppa for someone. So, Hannah, Lala, and I traded voice notes about morning beverages. Hannah likes coffee. She says she likes it any way, but we know she likes quality coffee (with a bit of milk, no sugar). Lala likes a huge mug of caffeinated tea, especially Earl Gray, with lots of milk. I like strong, dark Orange Pekoe tea, with nothing in it, leaving the teabag in for a few minutes.

Friendship Escalator

One of the most tangible metaphors of how romantic relationships work in our society is the Relationship Escalator. This is the track that many of us default into in romantic relationships, going from first dates to exclusive dating, to saying “I love you” and meeting family. Then, getting engaged, getting married, living together, having children, growing old together.

Friendship has less of a default path, which means it is left up to us to intentionally escalate a friendship. Without the same goals or markers of a romantic relationship, we’re left to outline and signpost our own markers of a deepening platonic romance. And talking about how you like your coffee could be one of them!

The communal chai pot at my co-working place became a touchstone for my friendships there, leading eventually to “treat Tuesday” to go with the chai.

Friendship Signposts

What might be some signposts of a deepening friendship?

• Taking a trip together

• Designating as an emergency contact (or having them be your medical power of attorney)

• Spending a holiday together

• Having favourite or regular hangout spots

• Setting each other as Favorites in your phone list

• Helping each other move

• Supporting one through an emotionally challenging time (a breakup, loved-one dying, career change)

• Having them over to your home

• Being a +1 to a big event

• Having a regularly scheduled hangout time (weekly trivia!)

• Themed costumes

• Having inside jokes

• Getting matching tattoos (I haven’t done this one yet…)

This list is still evolving! I’d love to hear your signposts in the comments.

Cookie delivery from a new friend during pandemic lockdown