Make New Friends
Introducing the Invite One Good Friend technique
I met four new people last weekend. After almost two years of pandemic and isolation, I felt very much out of practice. I had forgotten how much energy it takes to do the dance of presenting who you are and listening to understand who the other person is. It’s been so long since I’ve answered those intro questions like, “what do you do?” and “where are you from?”
Three of these new people live in the same building as me. I often hear that condo dwellers have a harder time meeting their neighbours. While I do agree that there are many times I walk down a hallway full of doors and don’t meet up with anyone else, condo buildings also have communal space in a way that’s different from street houses.
Of course, meeting new people – especially people you hope might become friends – takes work and intention no matter the situation. It always takes someone putting themself out there and someone responding to the call.
Invite One Good Friend
In the first case of new acquaintances last weekend, I was the one putting out the call. I’d heard that a new guy had moved in next door, and so, after a few friendly hellos in the hallway, Ashley and I invited him to go out for beers at the local brewery on Friday evening.
Trying to get a group of neighbours together for the outing was complicated, so I deployed my “invite one good friend” technique. The technique is to get one other person committed so that if no one else shows up besides the two of you, you still have a great time. It reduces the vulnerability of the invite. So, I messaged him that Ashley and I would be at the brewery that evening, and he was welcome to come. This lets him know that the invite is there for him to decide. It also reassures me that I will have a fun night playing cards and drinking beer with my girlfriend no matter what. In the end, he did show up, and we had a really nice conversation!
This technique also worked when I started a successful book club in Toronto, but that’s a story for another day.
I know I’ll have a good time if this one is around.
Wanted: Cat Friends
In the second case of meeting new people last weekend, the other folks were the ones putting out the call. They had posted a flyer in our lobby saying, Wanted: Cat-Sitting Swap. I messaged saying that I didn’t have a cat but would love to help out. Responding to someone else’s call also takes effort and can feel a bit vulnerable. They are a couple new to the building, and they invited Ashley and me down to meet them and the cat. They got our drink orders and bought treats from the local coffee shop, which immediately felt like they were putting effort into meeting us.
“How about tomorrow?”
One of my most memorable new friend moments was when I lived in New Haven for a year. I knew it would be a short timeline for any friendships because it was a fixed year there. Luckily, Beth was also in the same situation. During a walking tour, we discovered that we both worked from home. One of us said, “let’s get together some time and co-work together.”
Whereas that statement usually is a prelude to never getting together, Beth followed it up immediately with, “How about tomorrow?” And why not? It probably was vulnerable-feeling to convey eagerness to hang out. But I was also eager. We met up the next day in the library and then got together weekly for dinner and to watch The West Wing for the rest of the short time we were in Connecticut.
I’ll always be grateful for Beth showing such confidence in moving the friendship forward. The lesson for me was that most people are eager to make friends. It just takes some reaching out, some responding, and then the planning. This lesson has served me well, so I pass it along: Assume people like you. Be confident that people will respect that you’re putting yourself out there. Assume that they also want new connections. Assume that they will be flattered to be asked to hang out. And if someone invites you, don’t let it linger; go for it.
When is a time that a new friend invite paid off? Or, what question do you like to ask when you’re meeting someone for the first time?
New Haven Friends Good-Bye Party, with Beth and I in the front row, 2011
Pro-friendship Tip:
Mark the meaningful days of your friend’s life (kid’s birthdays, sober-versary, religious holidays) in your calendar or notes app. Take note, especially of the days tied to grief (anniversary of the death of a loved one, their wedding anniversary after they’re divorced). Reach out on the anniversary and let them know you are thinking of them. (H/t this BuzzFeed post)
Yay Friends Moment of the Week:
Yayyyyyy! After reading my last newsletter, my cousin Joelle and her friend Natascha finally got the friend tattoo they’ve been talking about for years!
