Pre-Baby Conversations with Friends
Rituals for friendship evolution
At this point, at age 39, a vast majority of my friends have children. As someone who has chosen not to have children, the news of a pregnancy is always a mix of happiness for my friend mixed with grief for the upcoming change in our friendship dynamic.
My friend Clara and I shared the same co-working desk for several years, and we bonded over a shared-but-opposite response to the many pregnant people in our workspace. Each new pregnancy would bring a shared sigh – from Clara because she so desperately wanted to be pregnant and from me because pregnancy brought up so many memories of friend-endings. We often talked about these responses, having many conversations about how people with kids and those without can remain friends after a baby arrive.
The reality is that the arrival of a child has a significant impact on a friendship. Ignoring that fact does not make it go away. Friends with babies and small children have so many priorities above friendship (sleep, keeping a baby human alive and fed, possibly work, maintaining a relationship with a co-parent) that friendships can easily slip by the wayside. The reality is that my friends with babies were often unable to be there for me or be present for our relationship. I don't blame the new parent. I know the huge task they are facing. But after 15 years of being a childless friend to many friends with children, I believe that acknowledging and working with this reality is the only way to maintain a close friendship through the change.
Pre-Baby Conversations
When Clara did get pregnant, we took a very intentional approach to setting expectations for this new stage of our friendship. First, we established that we wanted to still be friends far into the future. This statement of the importance of our friendship was something I'd be able to hold onto when she wasn't able to be present. Also, this long-term horizon on our friendship gave space for a few years of disruption in the closeness we had formed over the past 5+ years.
We strategized ways to stay connected, like talking on the phone when she went on walks and co-working together. She asked me to be a godparent to her child, both to show her respect for me and so that I could build a relationship with the little one.
Our conversation gave space for both of us to voice our fears about the future and to reminisce about the fun, child-free years we had as friends. In a way, this conversation lowers the bar of the friendship for a temporary length of time. I think it also lets the friend with a child know that I understand that their focus is shifting away from friendship to baby for a while, and they don't have to feel bad about that. Rather than have a baby shower with a big group, Clara opted for a series of individual conversations with friends as a ritual to mark a transition in the friendship.
"Fill Up the Friendship Cup"
Two years after my godson was born, Clara and I are still friends. When I checked in with her about what it was like to navigate friendship and be a new mum, she shared this reflection:
“I think this post is important for friends on both sides of this friendship equation. It's really easy to get caught up in all the intensity of having a kid, and forget to take care of friendships. Because of that, I'm always grateful to have an understanding friend, who's willing to come to me most of the time, now that I have a small kiddo - I used to try to make that effort for my friends with kids too. But even if that's the case, I try to push myself to once in a while be the one to make the effort to go across town, or meet at your preferred time, even if I'm tired. I'm basically always a bit tired, and often mega tired, but I know it's worth it to fill up that friendship cup with my effort. It'll benefit my friendships, and my friends will probably be really grateful to see me going out of my way for them - we all need that support, for different reasons. It has to be reciprocal, even if we've acknowledged that things are unbalanced for a while.”
Finding Common Ground
The first few hangouts that I had with a childhood friend after she had her second child left me feeling demoralized. Our parents had been friends since before we were born, so we had a lot of history, but we lived in different countries, so I only got to see her once or twice a year. I looked forward to that time to connect, but with a baby and a toddler in tow, our conversations were disjointed. I left one particularly chaotic meal thinking that we might not be friends anymore.
I saw that, understandably, she didn't have the emotional space to hear what was going on in my life. The daily life of a parent and a non-parent can be so different that it can sometimes feel like you're talking past each other rather than having a conversation. This period when there stops being overlapping interests or experiences could potentially be the beginning of the slow-fade friend-ending. This can also be when harder friend break-ups occur, when conversations slip from listening to each other and sympathizing to a competition of who is busier or more tired or has more pressing demands on their time.
Luckily, in my case, as my friend's kids grew and parenting was less all-consuming, we managed to find our way back to easily chatting about those things we have in common. Since we still live far away, we mostly communicate through Marco Polo, a video messaging app where we can watch and respond to messages when it fits our schedules. The asynchronous nature of the app means that there's no need to coordinate a time to call and no risk of last-minute cancelation because of kid-related emergencies.
Embrace the Opportunities
Other Life Changes
These challenges of bringing the friendship through a transition also exist with other massive life changes that don't involve children. Back when travel for work in Eastern Africa meant limited phone connectivity, I would warn friends that I wouldn't be in touch for the month and that it would likely be in a state of exhaustion if I was in touch. This set up the expectations that the friendship would be different for a period of time. When a friend started a midwife residency, I learned when her day off was and when her breaks might be so that I could know when she would and wouldn't be available. It can be friendship-saving to hold similar expectation-setting/reality check conversations before friends (or you!) start a graduate program, residency, massive work project, promotion, elder care, big trip, or travel season.
What do you wish your childfree or parent friends understood about your experience of the change in your friendship? What pre-baby rituals might help mark the transition?
Pro-Friendship Tip:
Suggestions for pre-baby conversations with friends
What are your fears about the coming months/years?
What does this friendship mean to you? Do we want it to continue?
What are ways we can stay connected?
What are you excited about in adding this new dimension to our friendship?
What are your favourite memories of our friendship so far?
Yay (Child-Free) Friends Moment of the Week:
One of my all-time favorite memes:
