Considering Friendship Logistics

And a podcast episode about how my friend and I achieved a different form of co-living.

Have you seen the various memes (maybe they were sent to you by one of your friends) about how friendship is all about scheduling?

I recently read an article - which I can’t find now - that introduced the concept of two parallel and equally essential threads of friendship compatibility. When we think of compatibility, the personal/emotional compatibility of friendship is likely to come to mind. This is the overlap of interests, activities, and senses of humour and the trading of emotional sharing. Being entirely yourself with another person and deeply knowing that person are some of the treasured and rewarding aspects of friendships. (I wrote about the intimacy of knowing how a friend likes their coffee.)

Logistical Compatibility

The other thread of compatibility, though, is logistical compatibility. The logistics have to work for the friendship to flourish. You can be as emotionally close as you want, and if your work or sleep schedules don’t align or you live far apart, it will take a long time to log the fifty hours to get a friendship off the ground. 

In the polyamory community, people talk about being polysaturated. This saturation point is when you stop having the capacity to form new connections or even maintain all your current connections. The number of possible friendships will differ for each person, and it’s nice to take time for self-reflection and honest conversations with your friends or potential friends about your current capacity - emotional and logistical - for friendship. (I wrote about how to do this when one friend becomes a parent.)

Podcast Episode about Conscious Friendship

Earlier this month, I had a conversation with my friend Valery Navarrete on her Life Without Us podcast. The podcast has many great guests who share what they are doing to have more community in their lives. 

In the episode, I share a story about how my friend Leah and I considered logistics when we were both looking to move apartments. Our goal was to find apartments within a ten-minute walking distance from each other. We knew that if we ended up on opposite sides of the city, we’d likely never see each other. It’s just how it works unless there is an extraordinary effort on both sides to trek across town.

If you listen to the podcast episode, you can hear about how we surpassed our goal by moving into the same condo building, just two floors apart!

Christmas Eve with Ashley and Leah in our new building.

The podcast conversation also covers:

• Why the answer to so many friendship-related questions is “talk about it,” and my tips on how to do that well

• Different types of friendships (and why we need all of them)

• How to show up for people in big life moments, like bereavement, to have more lasting friendships in your life

• How some flyers and a group chat were the keys to making friends in my new condo building

What are your logistical stumbling blocks to creating new or deepening friendships? Do you have tricks for overcoming such administrative hurdles (besides making sure at least one friend is a meticulous calendar user and texter)?

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Friendship Pro-Tip

Clothing swaps can be an excellent way to bring together a unique configuration of friends and acquaintances. My girlfriend and I held a swap over the weekend and invited some long-time friends and people with whom we’re building new friendships.

Focus on the activity meant there was no pressure to hold a deep conversation. And the exchange of clothes - outside the confines of capitalism - brought such a feeling of abundance and good cheer. (One friend even got engaged later that evening, wearing an item from the swap!!)

Yay Friends Moment of the Month

Sometimes it takes a funeral to get old friends together. In September, the East Winger crew made our way from various corners of the city to honour our friend Jini Stolk, a mentor and encourager to many non-profit and arts folks in Toronto.